Life is a feast

• waking up one day and finding that Person gone.

(April 28 || 7:05AM)

While working on a report and data analysis, I suddenly thought of things that I am scared of. Apart from ghosts, here’s the list:

• I am scared of going to the dentist and be the subject of their gruesome acts such as root canal and tooth extraction. I haven’t tried the former though but reliable sources says it’s not a pretty thing to experience. Tooth extraction? uhm… let’s say bribes about buying ice cream later doesn’t work like the way it did when I was a kid. I mean, I can buy it anytime using my own moolah.
• (Seriously…) Sometimes I am scared of the truth. Why? I really can’t pinpoint the reason behind this without contradicting the famous cliché The truth will set you free. Or maybe because I may not know how to react to it or to use that piece of vital information to my advantage or at least to help out somebody. Also because I may pass a bad judgement and decide that it’s not that important when it really is and then be a disappointment to somebody.
• I am scared of reading about something that would hurt me, indirectly though.
• Or hearing something that would hurt me. Even if that’s by way of eavesdropping.
• I’m scared of dying in a slow death, wherein I have to suffer for a very long time. I’d rather die serene and happy and in my sleep (with a smile on my face).
• My fear of finding out that I am sufferring from Dementia. (will post a separate entry regarding this)
• I am scared of giving up easily on things that life would throw at me without even trying.
• Of not being able to examine and look closely at less dramatic options other than giving up and walking away.
• I’m scared of being left behind and feeling lost and dunno what to do.
• I am scared of waking up one day and find out that people are leaving me. Well, those people who matter a lot to me. Those people who are always there for me, no questions asked. You know who you are.

That said, I am also scared of living alone and dying alone. With no one to talk to, with no one to share my thoughts with. I am fervently hoping that none of those things mentioned above will ever happen. If they do, then I guess I just have to accept it and learn from it. I’ll realize in time that it happened for a reason, a very good one. Realizations, yeah I’m actually doing a good job at that. I guess to keep me sane as well.

April 24, 2008 | 10:04AM