November 13, 2008
· Filed under Just another day..
It’s already November, the 11th month of the year. The month before the holidays. The second month on the last quarter of the year. What I really want to say is it’s almost the end of the year and I still don’t have that excitement that I usually feel. Well, the truth is for the past four years, Christmas wasn’t really Christmas in its purest sense. Yes we have food at home, presents under the tree but at the strike of 12MN I’m usually asleep in my room or just looking outside my window while the rest of the world celebrated like there’s no tomorrow. Happy. I’m not deep inside. I remember being ok with that, but my mom wasn’t. I remembered her knocking on my door just to force me celebrate with them. I remembered crying real hard that night, blame it on the stupidity and hard-headedness of someone at home. That night made an impression on me, trauma. I guess. Trust issues. After that Christmas was never the same again. And since I had to work on Christmas day, I had to drag my self out of bed. And Janna (my supervisor) knew something was wrong, she placed me on meeting mode of most of my shift and we talked. I guess that talkhelped a bit to loosen up and release all the hatred I felt which is not timely. It wasn’t all pretty that time. Horrible feeling but the Christmasses after that were patterned just the same.
So i guess this year, my only wish is that it will all be different. And that I’ll finally get to enjoy Christmas and brush off the trauma and bitterness of the past Christmases. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
October 28, 2008
· Filed under Just another day.., Random thoughts
- Rode the bus from Laguna to Makati (and back) alone! With total travel time of 1 hour and 35 minutes including the traffic along Alabang, the rest was smooth sailing. Wohhooo! Scary one though but I faced it with such zest and excitement. And I think I climbed up the bus with such a goofy smile on my face (whatever, such a loser! -Ogie). And I sat on the aisle seat, fifth row from the driver, I would have wanted it to be much closer to the door as possible but the rest were occupied. And I really remembered what Wackow told me: take the aisle seat. Lest seating on a window seat beside an old man (-iac) would have him grooping at my arms (or gasp! somewhere else!). Now that’s a scary thought. But overall it was a good smooth ride, safe. And it was on board my favorite bus to date: De la Rosa Liners.
- brought my own lunch, which I prepared after taking a bath. It’s a ham and cheese sandwich with mayo and lettuce and my favorite Corn and Carrots. This idea came into being when I was really convinced that I can’t just spend and spend. I’m supposed to be broke this month end pay day, thanks to the ERRONEOUS crediting of my allowance. Thus they will be deducting the excess amount. Oh well!
What else? I’m bored… Help!
July 28, 2008
· Filed under Just another day..
Sometimes I wonder how it feels not to care, be numb and feel nothing when everything around you collapses… Will I still be there, alive?
(last tugging thoughts before drifting off to sleep | 7/26/08)
July 18, 2008
· Filed under Just another day..
Everything is hazy
It’s hard to pretend that everything is working fine when in fact it’s not.
Thinking about it, I get lost, frustrated and would even go as far as contemplating the possiblity of jumping off from a cliff or getting a hemp rope, tie the other end on my neck and jump off from a chair. But then again, the horrifying idea of the process not being successful is letting me take a step back. But the full truth is, I’m not gonna do it. What’s weird is that if faced with some problems, I’d think about it and convinced with a decision – with conviction – however end up rethinking it. I’d like to think that’s just normal. But yeah, again I’m thinking that there’s more to life. There really is. And I have one in mind already.
I’m out.
July 10, 2008
· Filed under Just another day..
These thoughts better stop. Now. This is not doing me any good.
June 4, 2008
· Filed under Just another day..
Is something that I never thought I’d entertain. Maybe I’d just have to let it go so I can be at peace. In time, maybe I’ll have the answer.
3:50 AM | 4th of June
May 25, 2008
· Filed under Just another day.., Not today..
I just had to go out. I have to take a walk, a lame attempt at trying to pacify boiling blood.
And here I am: at the office. But I welcome the familiar sight, at least something that requires no thinking. Just absorbing the scenes around me. Tired. That’s what I feel now. The pressure at home, at the office. By the way, if it’s worth mentioning my father and I are still not talking. I may not talk about it much because I’m used to it (?) although it’s not normal. Once I get home, I just head straight to my room, the safest place ever. No one can say hurtful words at me, bashful remarks and hurtful indifference. The pink walls have witnessed 10 years of different emotions, the nightmares, the smiles, the karaoke hell, the crying episodes (almost a year ago) over something that’s almost too trivial now. Trivial. I marvel at the word sometimes. And that’s how things will be tomorrow, I suppose. Again, I might be wrong, for the nth time. No one else to blame but me.
I guess I’m a bit ok now. It took a longer time than usual, but I just need to vent out and I did. I just don’t understand it for all the right or wrong reasons.
They say that silence is a kind of therapeutic communication. But sometimes it turns out to be non-therapeutic. True. But then I think that in silence that’s where you are able to think of things well. To consider yourself more than others.
Walk. That’s what I need to do (even if it’s almost midnight). I’ll be safe. I need to be in my room now. I need its assurance that somehow things will be ok tomorrow and for the days/months/years to come.
May 22, 2008
· Filed under Just another day.., Vork, Vork, Vork
That’s how outlook is for the past few days, until now actually - no, make that since last week. The supervisors on the floor don’t have any, thus we communicate through yahoo or g-mail. Which reminds me, I abhor Surf Control. But then again, some of the agents are into surfing unnecessary sites – some even have the guts to check porn sites, the nerve! - thus written warnings are so ready to be issued. Ha!
On a different note, cousin Weasel, Nikka Ho, told the group earlier that she’ll arrange for an outreach program this holiday season. And guess what she will be giving out to the kiddies: RUGBY. Scandal!!!!! There goes the SWAT team wathcing your every move, NC!! hehehhe 
